considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
