Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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