i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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