He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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