I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Two words: blizzard sex
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
