Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
