maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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