i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize