a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
