Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
