So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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