Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
PANTIES FOUND
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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