Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize