Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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