I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
