Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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