i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
