Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
