I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
