I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
