i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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