I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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