yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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