He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
