Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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