corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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