I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize