i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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