I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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