Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
