Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
