I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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