Nicole vs. Life
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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