Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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