Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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