I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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