def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
