I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
