tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
