Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
