Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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