Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
