my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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