guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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