Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
