Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
