I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize