When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize