Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
