I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize