He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
