She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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