You're earring is so big in my mouth
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
