probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You ruined the universe
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
