Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I think I died a long time ago.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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