Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
