**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
