just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We're too hungover to prance.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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