i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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