Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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