he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
